The Neverending Story About The Neverending Diaper Rash

Seriously? It’s been ten days. Why am I still dealing with a diaper rash?

You may recall that we were giving him the royal treatment. It included a rinsing, dabbing him dry, a blowdryer, extra-strength butt paste, and wishing it would disappear. Once a day we also give him a bath with a little bit of baking soda mixed it. Taint easy. We saw a doctor on Tuesday, and then a doctor on Saturday. Both different and not our regular pediatrician since it was over Thanksgiving and she was out of town. I already irrationally love our pediatrician, and believe she’s the only one who can help. We have an appointment tomorrow morning in which I am convinced she will know all the answers to our problems.

Our Saturday doctor prescribed a compound. Unfortunately it was finally ready to be picked up at 3:30 p.m. I arrived at 4:01 p.m. to discover the one pharmacy in our area that still makes compounds closes at 4 p.m. on Saturday. I pounded on the door. No answer. They were closed on Sunday, so we couldn’t start until Monday. I considered what would happen if I broke the door down. The police would eventually come, but if any of them were parents, they’d surely understand my irrationality, allow my prescription to be filled, and perhaps even give me a quiet night of sleep in jail. It sounded like the perfect plan, but I chickened out.

Thankfully, Dylan doesn’t seem to mind the open wounds on his butt. I’m so tempted to post pictures (there are many as we constantly ask each other, “Does it look better today?”. The only reason I say he doesn’t mind is because he isn’t crying all of the time, and actually seems to enjoy the blowdryer quite a bit. Each diaper change takes as least twice as long, and the only place he’s been changed is over our kitchen sink. Avoid our kitchen sink.

We are doing everything right. There is no reason it hasn’t gone away (in 48 hours, like usual). This is parenting.

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The Infant Takes a Surprising Turn

We’ve been told by our pediatrician that our infant is strong.

When Dylan was seeing her at 2.7 weeks old, she decided to check out just how strong. Our doctor put him on his stomach, and the kid almost turned over. As our doctor said, “All he has to do was look up.” He didn’t. So he probably turned over 85 percent of the way. The doctor’s table, and the traction of being only in his diaper probably aided his attempt. It was pretty cool to watch, especially when she told me that this normally happens at four to five months.

After that, we gave Dylan “tummy time” as they call it, for a few minutes when we remembered. Some say you should do it every day right away, but we didn’t. Dylan didn’t seem too excited about tummy time, and didn’t get close to turning over. I stopped thinking about it or trying a week ago.

Today I took him up for his afternoon boob, and while my wife was still getting ready, I gave him a little tummy time in his crib, mainly because I was tired of holding him. He started to turn, and I said to Lisa, “If there wasn’t a slight curve in the mattress [trust me, it’s very slight], it looks like he’d turn over.” We starred for about five more seconds. His entire tummy time was probably 15 seconds.

Two days before he turns one month old … Dylan the kid turned over.

I was shocked and excited as hell. I yelped with joy. It was better than anything else Dylan has given me. That’s right, it’s better than the occasional eye contact, the dirty diapers, and the rare shrieks.

It doesn’t mean a thing that he turned over at less than one month old, except that it happened. The only thing it did was give me the realization that I can’t wait for all the other little moments.

Why is Dylan James Bayer named Dylan James Bayer?

A name matters. You know this because you either like or dislike yours. Naming a human being seems to be one of the larger tasks anyone is asked. For a long time, my wife and I thought that Jackson would make a good name for a boy. That’s the problem, we thought about it for too long. After a few years, Jackson became boring. So, when we found out we were having a boy at Week 19 of the pregnancy we started fresh.

I started saying things like, “I want a unique name that everyone knows how to spell. Like ‘Table’ but not ‘Table.'”

My wife said things like, “I like Andrew.”

Then it began, weeks of saying names out loud, feeling them out a few times, then telling your partner what you thought your son’s name should be for the rest of his life. Both of us practiced the “no” approach with names we didn’t like. “No” eliminated many conversations about wondering if this or that should be his name.

With the last name Bayer, I thought we had some potential for something.

Grey, Fozzie, Grizzly, Black, Theodore. The list doesn’t go on and on, but you get the idea.

I still like the name Grey Bayer. The only problem with it (besides my wife never allowing it) is that it has two well-known spellings — grey and gray. That’s a deal breaker. I also like two syllables.

So, where did we go? The name James came up and we didn’t hate it. I think my wife said it first, though I wouldn’t bet my life on it. Jame is a good fit for us because I’ve always liked/loved/respected my Uncle Jim, and I know Lisa has some James Bayer somewhere on her side of the family, so it falls under that category of “it’s a family name.” Have you ever noticed “it’s a family name” seems to forgive a lot of stupid names? Moving on … It became a game of “Can you beat that?” We’d say a name, ask if it was better than James and then cut it from the list of one.

Finally I started to get logical. I went through all of my favorite books, looking at the character names. Nothing.

I went through movies to see if anything would hit me. Red, Han and Marty just weren’t going to cut it. Tyler. I thought about that one for a while, but then I remembered a former roommate and I once hat a cat named Tyler, so that wouldn’t work. For the record, we have a dog named Austin (four years old, golden mix), a name I love based completely on the city I love. If we have a second son, I’ve told the wife we’re naming him Austin. She disagrees. If we move to the city one day, then yes, the deal is off. Otherwise, I think I can convince her. Stay tuned.

So, book and movie characters didn’t work. I moved to my iTunes library. It hit me obviously and quickly. I have more Bob Dylan in my library than any other musician. Dylan. Dylan. Dylan. I said it over and over to myself. That was it. I was convinced my wife would go for it. She did with little to no resistance.

James Dylan Bayer

-or-

Dylan James Bayer

That was the discussion.

The pros of James Dylan Bayer — We could call him JD if we felt like it. He could be Jimmy or James. He could use Dylan in the future if he wanted.
The pros of Dylan James Bayer — Slightly more uncommon than James. He could use James in the future if he wanted. He’d have a ‘y’ in his first and last name. I like it better.

Dylan James Bayer won.

Dylan (the reasons)
Bob Dylan

Dylan (the happy coincidences) 
He has the same birthday (10-27) as Dylan Thomas, the poet. He’s the reason Bob Dylan changed his name from Robert Zimmerman.
My wife finished “Friday Night Lights” while pregnant. It was about the Dillon Panthers.
My friend Eric pointed out that each name has five letters (Dylan = 5, James = 5, Bayer = 5). I like this, but I have no reason why. It’s strong though, right?

With James, one of my favorite bands is James (they have the song “Laid”). People can call him JD (a name we like from “Scrubs”) but we dislike DJ (a job, not a name). We realize we’re in control here (for a while) so we can call him exactly what we want. I’ll be trying out Dyl (Dill) and seeing if I like it.

If people say “Oh, how do you spell it?” I will say, “The common way,” or “The right way” since “Dylan” and not “Dillon” or any other version is the accepted, most common name. Strike that, I will say “Why.” This answers their question (you spell Dylan with a “y”), but I’ll add a hint of a question mark, just to mess with people.

If your name is spelled differently than the common way, it’s up to you to let someone know. Just like if I spelled Jeff with a G, you know — Geoff. It would be up to me to let every person know how to spell it, as opposed to you asking me how to spell it.

This post feels a little rant-y. That’s probably because we’re on Day 9 or diaper rash. More to come on that.

The Taming of the Diaper Rash

Because of life and slight miscommunication, we didn’t change Dylan’s diaper for a six-hour stretch. Payback has reared its red, chapped, almost cut open backside. That’s right, Dylan has his first diaper rash.

Sure, he is probably uncomfortable because of this, I don’t blame him. But he is currently getting the royal treatment. Now, until it heals this is our process:

1. Get two people.

2. Remove diaper.

3. One person holds Dylan up.

4. The other person takes the kitchen sink nozzle and sprays everything off of him.

5. We dab him with a towel.

6. We blow dry his ass (on “cool”).

7. We put on the industrial strength Butt Creme.

8. We repeat the entire process because just before we put on the new diaper, he pees on his face.

I hope no cupcakes drop into the kitchen sink. It’s officially a biohazard area.

The one joy from all of this? When my wife was blow drying his bottom she said, “I love the way his scrotum sack blows in the breeze.” It’s the little moments.