Written November 5.
“Always” is hitting me. It has only been a week, and my mind has wandered to the future. It’s not in the way you might think. It’s the idea that I will always be a father. For this night, for this second, it feels like an overwhelming responsibility, and I’m mourning the loss of my freedom. I know how selfish that sounds. I will be lucky to get two to three weekends a year of complete freedom. Sure, there will be plenty of date nights, and I realize there will be some times when it won’t be “my turn.”
Marriage has never felt like a responsibility for me. I was ready. My wife was ready. We already had lived together for years. We still have our independence because of our work schedules. I never felt she was dependent on me, or me for her. Love has always been there.
Now, I am always responsible. I will always feel responsible.
I wish I could say, “that’s not fair,” and people would agree. At this moment, and for many moments going forward, I am saying goodbye. Yes, it’s worth it. Yes, I thought about this before. But now I feel it.