Random Thoughts of Fatherhood: Week 2

My goal is to be an extraordinarily efficient parent.

I don’t understand how people raised babies before iPhone Apps, co-sleepers, wipes, diapers that turn blue when wet, swaddling, shushing, a million pieces of advice from nurses, and the time fillers of Twitter and Facebook.

My baby isn’t ugly. Yes, I can judge this properly. Right now the oddities of Dylan are his giant earlobes, his chicken legs, his big bottom lip, and his dimpled chin. Beisdes the dimpled chin, which we don’t know where it came from, all the other “flaws” can be traced back to me.

Infant poop smells, but only when shooting out of their loud arse. After that, no smell.

You carry a baby, people expect they can talk with you.

Dylan eats. He was back up to his birth weight in one week. They normally expect that to happen in two weeks.

I wish I had “magic boobs.” They cure every problem Dylan has ever had in his short life.

The vent in the laundry room is my savior and the only thing that will cure Dylan on my watch, because I lack “magic boobs.”

Smelling a baby’s head is just as good as you can imagine.

Business idea: Purchase a baby product, send it to a local business, which then builds it and delivers it to your door.

Business idea (I slightly regret feeling): Send your infant off to 3-month camp, where he is fully taken care of, and you can visit any time.

With my kid being born, news of more Star Wars, and seeing Skyfall, the first week of Dylan’s life is one of the two best weeks of my life.

After two weeks of life, Dylan has only given me about five seconds of natural, honest to god, eye contact. That’s it. Otherwise it is poop, eat, sleep, kick.

If you don’t have an additional person coming to stay with you very shortly after your first infant is born, you are crazy.

It has been two weeks and I haven’t been peed or pooped on. I take great pride in this. It’s partly my effort with the pee cap, and partly luck. My wife has been peed and pooped on a dozen times. I am so close to added to the Declarations Page that I will never be peed on. So close.

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One thought on “Random Thoughts of Fatherhood: Week 2

  1. This is so true: Business idea (I slightly regret feeling): Send your infant off to 3-month camp, where he is fully taken care of, and you can visit any time. Your posts are too funny!

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