Dear Evolution, Let’s Talk About Baby Teeth

Dear Evolution,

Dear Evolution, we need to talk. I think a lot of the things you’re doing are great, just great. Can we talk about baby teeth for just a second? I feel like your timing is off. I’m not saying I don’t want my infant to never have teeth, but if you could just shift it one way or another, that would be nice.

Think about it, my kid is finally getting comfortable with his surroundings. Now, whenever he gets a little upset with the world and needs to calm down, he finds his thumb. A few weeks ago, he didn’t even know those hands that kept smacking him in the face were his. It was a really nice leap forward. You could say his mouth is his comfort zone. When he sees something new, he puts it in his mouth. You know, to test it out. Obviously eating involves the mouth, and that is his favorite thing to do.

So, why do you think it’s a good idea to send jagged, piercing objects cutting through this sanctuary? Dylan freaked out one night, having a crying fit we had never seen before. Two weeks later, he had his first tooth (which my wife’s co-worker predicted was the cause). He now has two bottom teeth. It’s adorable. It’s also really difficult to get a decent picture of them.

Screen Shot 2013-04-07 at 9.06.24 AM

They are sharp freaking teeth. Just ask my wife’s nipples. He’s also used my thumb for comfort when I was in a pinch and it felt like he was going to produce blood.

Earlier? I really like this idea. Get the teeth taken care of in the womb. One less thing for him to deal with in the big, scary world. I brought this up to my wife, and soon realized the idea of her learning how to breast feed when going up against 20 daggers might be a little too much.

Later? Later makes more sense. He needs teeth for chewing, but we have enough pureed food in the world that he doesn’t need to chew for years. When he’s mature enough to handle the physical pain, and not cry like a baby, we should be good to go. That would be around two or three years old … right?

Also, sure I could read “science” to understand why we need baby teeth, but I’d rather just ask you to skip the test round of teeth and get right to the adult stuff. If you could hurry with this it would be great. Then I wouldn’t have to wonder if I’m going to bother trying to explain that a fairy sneaks into his room and steals his teeth when he starts to lose them.


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